It is very interesting watching the daily life that is my mum and dad. It's like a romantic comedy 24/7.

Take today for instance. Mum asked dad to go do grocery shopping and he forgot to buy veggies. He went back and mum said that she forgot to tell him to buy mee sanggul and sugar. So he went out again. I called mum and she said "Kalau ayah ko datang amik kejap lagi, suruh dia beli sayur."

So I told him what mum told me and instead I got one long aku-tak-puas-hati lecture from dad about how mum kept making him go out again and again because she can't seem to remember grocery lists.
"Tadi pergi GIANT tak suruh beli. Keluar beli mee tak suruh jugak. Keluar lagi baru nak suruh beli..."
"She's your wife. You married her." Shai bebel sendiri.

I returned home, told mum what dad said (because being busuk hati is so great) and instead became mum's ears, I had to listen to her nags about how dad didn't listen properly to what she said earlier and that she has told him to go buy veggies earlier and all that.
"Mak cakap tadi, dia tak dengar. Lepas tu keluar beli barang entah apa-apa..."
"He's your husband. You married him." Shai bebel sendiri lagi.

But I do think it's nice. It's nice in a sense that dad can just pijak my mum on his way to the door and said "I thought you were the stairs" or mum can just simply said stuff like, "You're senile" because dad can't hear her. Or having him telling her that she's so lucky he's still a handsome guy and mum said that he would never dapat mengorat that kueh lady at the bus stop because she doesn't care about old man in ugly cars.

It is so convenient, the way that they can just slur at each other and then laugh together - or have us to be the victims yang kena dengar diorang membebel.

You know, 36 years of marriage reaaaallly makes your head loony. Ain't it romantic?

(Sorry, I don't understand my mood nowadays. Hahahahaha)

Do you ever had this feeling? Do you ever thought that maybe there's something wrong with you somewhere - a wire unplugged, a string unknotted, a switch button off.

Having Adam telling me that he thinks I am wiser than wise (especially on sniffing a scandal), well, it really is a compliment. 'Dude knows what he's talking about (maaf, saya terangkuh seketika... hahaha). But strangely I think there is something wrong with me somewhere.

Yesterday when I was in the car with Mun with a migraine, we kinda discuss about migraines in itself - Mun being a sufferer of migraine herself. I theorised that people like us, people who kept things inside; feelings, emotions, thoughts, and using our head to settle every matters that we faced each day, are bound to suffer migraines. Since high school we worry about bigger things. Instead of worrying about boys, we worry about men. Instead of worrying about appearance, we worry about the school politics. Instead of worrying about RM100, we worry about RM10,000. Instead of worrying about what we're going to do the next day, we worry about plan Bs and Cs.

I think somehow we mature too soon, observe too much and learning about other people a lot to a point of retardness.... is that a word?

Like any other low self-esteemed person who hides beneath a facade (if you can't understand why the need of sarcasm in every sentence I make in every day life, I think you are not well versed in the field of psychology) I think I am a retard. Sometimes a good thing/person is in front of me, and I failed to see. I failed to just accept the concept of "good things" and proceed with inspecting layers upon layers of a human being, expecting that I will find a dark spot somewhere and do a Sherlock Holmes' "Aha!". I am as obsessed in searching for the dark spot inside a pure white linen, as much as finding a white light inside darkness.

Love seems to hardly came into my life as much as I find hardly ever in love. It takes years from holding on to something and letting it go, and it takes years to actually wanting to hold on to something. Knowing that it is hard to come and hard to go makes me scared of ever trying to open up. I can be missing someone, wanting something but not desiring to hold on to it.

Why ever am I in this mood?

Well.

Women are a complex entity by nature. Being a complex woman on the other hand...

*SNEEZES* (sorry, sinusitis... weirdly enough, it appears that I am allergic to cats and stubbornly enough, I don't care).

What I'm saying is that, this is the one thing Munafsya Sdn Bhd can't solve, my brain can't detect, my heart can't decide. God must be planning something I'm sure, but you know me...

I'm a CURIOUS CAT!      

(sorry haven't been updating this. Was not having any mood of blogging seriously these past couple of weeks).

another 10 things u should know about me:

1. Always handwash. I'm a washing machine moron.

2. I am easily forgotten. If you are awed with me about something (like "Oh, you have an Indonesian translated bible?" or "You watch Tamil movies?")and I look like I don't give a crap, that's because I know before you do - that you will lose interest in me in a matter of as long as 3 months or as short as 3 days. Sorry, I'm so used to it.

3. I have the gift of reading sarcasm or double-meaning that smells of hatred. And boasting about it. Ahahaha.  

4. I still have insomnia every other days. It's like a disease I have to live with. Maybe it's just a transition time that comes with the age...... damn, I sound like a gramma.

5. I am not unique. I am just the first rate of myself. As so everybody

6. After lots of thought and never ever mention it in the blog, "...lelaki idaman Syahida ialah lelaki yang boleh keep up with Syahida's workings of mind."............... yeah, I am so gonna be a spinster.

7. My workings of mind looks like a map to Wonderland with lots of doors, mazes, labyrinths, and Lewis Carrol on ice.

8. Apakah persamaan Fasha Sandha, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba to Shai? They're all overrated chicks who can't act to save their own life.

9. Apakah persamaan Siti Nurhaliza dan Shahrukh Khan to Shai? Both are Datuks yang makin tua makin annoying.

10. Twitter sucks. I have tried to be more creative about it, but I can't. It just sucks. 

Oh, Happy Belated Birthday Budiman!

By the time you are reading this, I must be at kampung sleeping on the couch.

There's a lot to be done this Hari Raya.
First, following Makcik's strategy, I think most of my relatives will be returning to Sri Menanti only after Raya kedua. Makcik said that if you return to your hubby's hometown first, you  can spend more raya at your hometown later on.

That also means, the only people left to toil upon the 6 chickens to be slaughtered, puluhan lemang to be baked, ketupats to make and stuff are my family and Maklang's. Mum is already mengurut kepala, pening thinking how strenuous that would be. Me on the other hand will "makan hati". Every year it's like that. You do all the chores, and it's fine, you don't need to be praised for it since it's your duty anyway. But in the end when you are slumped on the couch, people walk by and think you're lazy and haven't done a single thing.

Sure. Every single year I am somehow invisible, except when needed to be scolded.

Sometimes I understand mum. She faced that every year with gramma.
"Why are you not here yet? Why are you trying to escape work?"
Err, hello? I thought for all this while she was the one slaving off in front of the fire? Or anybody else blind to see that?

But anyway, kalau tak ada aral melintang, we'll be celebrating at Sukabumi too - jungle trekking, mandi riverpool (swimming pool yang dibuat menggunakan air sungai), karaoke, win lose or draw etc.

I've made three different kuih raya this year.  And maybe a chocolate moist cake, and Aying requested a rainbow colored cake (request je memanjang diorang ni tau). I even jemput orang datang rumah (which seriously I have never done before. People coming to my house used to give me nervous breakdown).  Somehow I can't wait to celebrate this raya. I have a gut feeling that next year round it's going to be different. So Imma make the most of this year's.

Be very afraid. 

Why am I still in a rut of a job when I know my skills are worth RM3k now?
Why am I still in the same circle of hopeless stupidity when I know I deserve better?
Why am I still living in the past when I know my future could be brighter?

Let me answer that.

Because I can.
I can change, I just don't want to. I can be someone's girlfriend at this moment but I choose to be miserable. I can be a high-flying career woman at this moment but I choose to stroll instead of run. I can be in Warwick fighting with a pompous lecturer right now but I choose to remain stupid. Heck, I can be someone's wife right this instant but I choose to be commitment phobic (yeah, I'll explain that later).

Everything comes with a choice. It's whether you want to do it or not. There's no such thing as "CAN'T", just "WON'T" or "TOO LAZY TO". You know what I can't? I can't swim. Because I won't learn how to. I can't drive, because I'm too lazy to. So every single time people come to me and said "You don't understand, I can't..." I will scuff at them.

Cowards.

I know cowardice when I see one. I AM one. Why do people think that they can fool me into believing those excuses?
It takes a coward to know another coward.
It takes a hypocrite to know another hypocrite.
It takes a criminal to know another criminal.

I know things when I have went through them. People think I know not 'stuff' because I am here, wearing a baju kurung and a tudung and smile sheepishly. They think that I am a naive girl. Maybe I am.

But not because I just am. Because I CAN.

You know what you actually can't? You can't bring death to life. You can't die when it's not your time. You can't be God. Anythin else?

In the words of Bernie Mac, "Show me a man who never said shit, and I'll show you a man full of shit."

Here's a conversation piece.

This morning I was commenting on soup.
Yes.
I mean, mum made chicken soup for berbuka, and  I told her the reason that it was not a hit among the "crowd" (I mean; "the family") is because it doesn't have that oomph. She was saying how it's easier to cook for Aying since Aying has the appetite of HER side of the family and not a bunch of "food reviewers" like the rest of us.

She said that we're all like dad, who likes to criticise her cooking.

"The problem is it was not like this before we got married. I will only bake a potato and he'll tell me it's delicious. Right after married he said he just said that to not hurt my feelings. Damn pretentious guy."

So I told her.

"Mum, I'm sorry to say this. But YOUR side of the family has what I called the 'mirror effect'. You are blinded by the fact that all men love you and thus they will praise everything that you do that you don't realise the bitter truth of it."

Yes. It's the curse of beautiful people. The delayed realisation of the reality. I had to admit, my mum's side of the family consists of 6 pretty Minang women with a pinch of Arab blood - long black hair that turns red at the direct hit of the sun, dark eyes, hidung mancung, that 1000 megawatt smile. Yes, mum's family was poor. But they only knew the physical hardship and not the internal ones.

I am not blessed with that look. Nor their charm. I looked like my mum but not with her overall physical beauty package and instead, am given dad's sarcasm and temper. Being the "belle", the popular girl, albeit the poverty, mum cherished her youth. She can act, she can dance, she has all these men around her who applauded her cooking, her wit, her charm everything.

That includes the lil Napoleon Bonaparte named Kamarudin Ahmad whom she married later.

Fast forward 30 years later. That dude shows his true colour - sarcastic, hot tempered, critical, stubborn and is a total dictator. They got four children, and one of them is a girl who has the same trait of the father while the other three possess the same Simon Cowell attitude.

Mum felt victimised by us. Hahaha.

Never been a belle, nor a charming girl, nor a beauty of any sort - I have always been slapped with the truth. I am sour, stubborn and has the attitude of a spinster librarian (a.k.a. the "academician bitch"). I didn't always get what I want. No guys will go the extra length to buy me an extra battery if my phone battery has a problem. No men will tell me that I cook great food. I get the actual truth of how suck my articles are upon submission, and not "This is not as great but good enough". They throw cruel jokes on me and treat me like a dude. If things are bad they will tell straight to my face that it's bad.

Everything comes to me with an extra mile because people like me just have to survive. I'm not saying pretty people don't do their best. They do. The difference is, WE don't get any praises at all.

I mean, come on. Observe;
Pretty people: "Oh, she is pretty AND do a good job! What a combination!"
Me: "Ah well, she did good."

People like mum are always sheltered. They never knew that their cooking is just average, because the guys will tell them that it is superb. They never knew that their singing is just okay, because guys tell them it sounds like a nightingale. And when people like me tell them the absolute truth, they find it hard to accept and said that we're envious.

It's not envy. It's just that I am a heterosexual woman and your beauty does not affect me.

And today I finally told mum the bitter truth. It's cruel, really, but somebody has to say it.

Yes.

But mum was all, well...
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

I knew it. Hahahahaha.  

Oh, the only good side of it? I can be perasan and said that I look like Aishwarya Rai and Priyanka Chopra and people laugh and be entertained by it. And said, "Perasannya!" with that ha-ha-slap-at-the-back. If a pretty girl makes the same joke, all she get is "Perasannya!" and a scuff.

(and really, the only reason Aying never being all that choosy is not because he has the same trait of HER family. It's just he has the same "player" quality of my dad - to just agree with everything, that's all. I was just trying to humor my mum so I kept quiet).

Readin Masni made me realised...

Let me just tell you one thing:

Fly with eagles. They're already in the sky, instead of surrounding yourself with cockerels that kept flapping their wings and cock-a-doodle-doing all day and yet what they truly are is just that; a chicken.

Jam: 2.45am

shai laden: aku rase nak tempeleng je budak tu. ko dah bertunang. mana leh buat perangai camtu. itu perangai org mase bercinte zaman sekolah2

munn: mmg dia tak maturedla ni maksudnye

shai laden: sgtla tidak

munn: tak matured bleh pulak dpt jodoh awal

shai laden: sbb lelaki suke pompuan kebudak2an'yg manje2. yg kuat mencarut macam aku atau sarcastic cam ko bile la nak dapat. ahahahahaha

munn: yg tak manje mmg unapproachable... ahahaaaha. tula kita kena amalkan formula mengubati penyakkit mulut celupar

shai laden: mahahaha. btol btol btol. kang org cakap, adeee je jawabnya

munn: tp kalau aku tak celupar aku takleh buat keje yg aku buat ni

shai laden: kalau aku tak celupar, org tak nak baca novel aku

munn: keceluparan aku menunjukkan tahap confidence aku

shai laden: keceluparan aku membezakan aku dgn penulis yg lain'... apekah..... menjustify keceluparan. ahahaha

munn: haaaah... tula die

shai laden: celupar gile.

munn: suka nak justify kesalahan sendiri padahal dah tau dah MEMANG CELUPAR

shai laden: hahahaha... "Kisah Wanita2 Celupar"

munn: pekataan celupar tu sgt membayangkan maksud dia. bunyik ce-lu-par tu

shai laden: macam kena sepak kat pipi

munn: sgt bitchy

shai laden: tapi aku rase makin aku kurus, makin celupar mulut aku. 'skinny bitch' sounds even more evil than 'fat bitch'. ahahahahahah

munn: tapi aku rasa celupar dan kurus tu adelah side effect dr something. bkn kurus menyebabkan celupar

shai laden: err...

munn: "aku stress sehingga menjadi kurus dan celupar"

shai laden: ahahahaha... Stressed Skinny Bitch

munn: ape jela yg kt borakkan ni...

shai laden: aku suke lagi Fat Timid Shai

munn: ni bole dikira sbg muhasabah diri tak eh?

shai laden: ntah, perbualan yang tak membina... oh, boleh jadi muhasabah kot. saya tak mau jadi celupar lagi. fuck off keceluparan! ..................mesej tak sampai

munn: kalaula mlm ni lailatulqadar agak2 dapat pahala ke borak kita ni? ahahaha

shai laden: entahlah, aku confuse sama ada ia membawa kebaikan atau tak. kene buat ijtihad ni, "Qiyas". hoh, sebab aku gune istilah shariah, kire manfaat tak?

munn: ahahaha. ini pun nak buat ijtihad ke... wakakakaa

shai laden: tu pon sebab kenapa tak ade jodoh lagi tuh. suke membesarkan topik kecik. ahahahaha. celupar dan overthinking skinny bitch

munn: kalau niat tu dah tak ikhlas ko sebut term tauhid ke fekah ke hadith ke.... cuba positivekan ayat itu

shai laden: oh, jadi aku anggaplah perbualan ni sebagai 'perbualan tak membina yang membina sahsiah insan secara subliminal'

munn: confident, thorough, skinny... bitch nak positivekan jadi apa?

shai laden: "Celupar" (confident), "Overthinking" (thorough), Skinny "Bitch" (Independent women). ahahahaha. justification pada sesuatu yang salah dan menjadikan bunyik yg sedap. Yahudi betul pemikiran ini

munn: ahahaha, eh kan bagus tu. eh tak... kita nak menjalani hidup yg positif. nak elak dari aura2 negatif

shai laden: oooo, aku terima sajalah. ahahahaha

munn: eh aku telupa pulak, aku harus tido

shai laden: ko baru sedar?

munn: esok kena submit dwg kat engineer

shai laden: aku ingat ko nak join alliance of insomnia aku. oh silela... walaupon aku tatau dwg tu
ape

munn: oh tak.. aku dah ngantuk ni.. jgn jeles... "drawing"

shai laden: cheyt. aku ye ye la ingat acronyms utk ape

munn: celupar betul memperkotakaktikkan keinsomniaan orang

shai laden: ahaha, sile sile tido sementara aku muhasabah diri sambil mengutuk keengganan mata aku yg tak bleh tido nih. nite nite

munn: daaa... gudnite..

I am a sceptic.

I care not of other sceptics. But I will tell you this.

The feeling of being able to solat again is the feeling like no other. NO OTHER. It feels fresh and fun and peaceful. More or less like, everybody else can go fuck themselves now or whatever but as for me? I am friggin satisfied.

I don't give a fuck.

Let me repeat that again.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

HAH!
(Hmmm... orang sembahyang kan sepatutnya lebih serene bahasa ibundanya?)

Yes. I am so frikken refreshed now. I feel like I can move mountains. They won't move, by the way, but at least I feel like I can. Feeling like you can is better than actually doing it. I'm all pumped up because my hair is wet and I smell like a bottle of Dettol meets Swiss Spa bath, all smooth and refreshed.

Refreshed. There's no malay word for it. Yeah, "segar" of course. But no. That's not how I feel. It is more or less like, "THIS IS LIFE!"

Sceptics think it's hypocritical when you said you're refreshed after a prayer. They think it's pretentious, all made up and that you are trying to be all holier-than-thou when all you wanna say is that you love how it makes you feel. Why is it that it's fine when people say "Oh, listening to Metallica really makes me feel okay after being so mad at someone" or "Oh, I was so blue, but a bottle of champagne makes me all okay again..." but when you said, "Oh, I feel refreshed after a prayer..." people makes faces and go,

"Huh, pretentious holier-than-thou biatch."

What, now admitting that you pray is bad? All goody-goody?

Well, I pray, I recite the Quran and get this, I am a virgin. How do you feel about THAT? I am so goody goody and soooo pretentious, I am going to spit that on your face. Hell yeyyah. Nope, I am speaking 'the lingo', since nowadays you can't be all "Astaghfirullah" without having people think you're trying to bring them to the good side, like being on a good side is a bad thing.

I feel refreshed.
And I don't give a fuck. Heeeee......

I was cleanin up my laptop when I found an old YM chat I had with Nad earlier this year.
"Ko bukan punching bag ok, jelita tu memang..but never a punching bag. tapi u can always be a bag full of punch. blasah je bile ko nak. whut u give u get back..."

It makes me smile. I never really did thanked Nad for saying that. So, thank you Nad.

I missed my old hair. I was combing my hair and feel annoyed that it's September and I am stuck with this length. I remembered the first time I cut it on January, the girl at the salon looked at me with that 'why-the-hell-do-you-want-to-cut-it' face.

Yeah, why the hell did I cut it? I can't remember the reason. Supposedly something stupid like, "I need a new do for a new life" and all that jazz. I knew I shouldn't listen to women magazines. They don't help me with anything except to do stupid things like cutting my hair or.... cutting my hair. The next time I am saying things like,
"I want to move on with my life" or,
"I want to be a new person" or,
"I am a superwoman hear me roar"
Please slap my face.

I just don't do that. After trying again and again, I just found out that being 'a new woman' is not for me. I should just be like everybody else and go with the flow and snort at everyone else who talks about being 'a new woman'.  

I just want to be a woman. Fullstop. Maybe a woman who can actually cook. Fullstop. Maybe a traditional woman who has the traditional triple threat of cooking, cleaning and good in bed (you know, like that saying, "Be a cook in your kitchen, a maid in the living room and a whore in bed"... whose ever words of wisdom is that...). Fullstop. Maybe a woman who has a triple threat and runs her own business. Fullstop.

See, there I go again with all these long ambitious things that I will not be able to achieve anyway.

I just want to be a person who is the first rate of herself and not a second rate of someone else. There.