I need help.

I am having a mood of three giant elephants, an old witch, a damsel in distress and five little bitches whispering into a giant head of a nerdy guy.

"Huh?" would be a little bit under the top.

There's little Willy, who sometimes I feel like a little brother that needed a little slap behind the head, but most of the time makes me wanna strangle him to death. I am not even sure if he's the worst agent or the cleverest of them all. I am not sure if he's scared with all my other friends, but I kept telling him "Please call Munira because I can't decide on renovation stuff! It's not my forte! Kicking your ass would be my ultimate skill but that's not it right now, is it?" (okay, so I made that last sentence up). Yet he still calls me and said that he can't get to Mun.

I just want to... urgh... my God I'm lost for words.

Then there's *toot*. But let me just not express it because I will absolutely not express it and will just go nuts and throw this laptop. Feeling is a connundrum... as I once told Adam who went, "What's a connundrum?"

Well, connundrum is... it's a connundrum.

I was watching "Samantha Who", and in this episode she went, "The heart wants what the heart wants and right now my heart wants to be bruised badly." and I think it's just so clever. My heart wants what my heart wants and right now it just wants to explode and generate a heart attack. Sigh, I want that mini donuts in TESCO Setia Alam. I want Shidi.

Shidi......

Aaaaanyways...

And I, being the ultimate wisdom lass (I just made that up) decided to create my own version of quotes, and thus told one of my colleague that;
"A person worthy of attention is a person who knows the attention's worth."

Aren't I a genius? Even though I never followed my own advise. Ever.

DBP called and asked about my kindergarten.
"No, it starts in January."
"You'll be busy! How are you going to write again?"
.................................................................... well, since I never thought about that....
"I have my Saturdays and Sundays." says I.
"Great. We're sending over some short stories to be translated into english. Feel free to do it. And I mean submit on Monday."
"Sure! No problemo!"
Click.

..................................................................... I am the Royal Highness Queen of Screwed.

Then while advising someone to never quit believing in love, I went 360 degree and tell another colleague to just quit it. The thing is, when people tell you their relationship problem and it's always about how bad the fiance is (yes, you heard me right. F-I-A-N-C-E), how inconsiderate, how not-good-looking, how bad his family is... they just want you to tell them "Yeah, you're right. Leave him."

And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people not being grateful that they have someone who loves them, and always eyeing for someone a little bit better. It will never end. So, rather than trying to make them understand that "No, you're a selfish bitch who must realise that your beauty would not last for eternity and thinks highly of yourself since a famous person is in love with you and he's not your fiance...", I'd rather just let them do what they want.

Go. Do. Whatever.

But at the same time I am having this very peaceful feeling. It's like, I have troubles, I have heartaches, and it goes to show that my life is exciting. I may not be climbing the Everest or won a Palm D'Ore, and Rupert Penry-Jones is just my boyfriend in my sleep, yet I am here.

I am here, creating the stories that I will tell my grandkids.

That is if I still live to see the light of tomorrow, or the earth is not destroyed because some lunatics has wild interpretation of Nostradamus so-called prophecy. 

This is my motto in life.

If you're lazy, you have to be smart.
Dumb people can't be lazy. I mean, they can, but they'll be poor for life. If you are not creative enough to cater for your laziness, forget it. Live life like it should be.

So here's the deal. I am always lazy. I may not show it, I may still work hard or wake up every day and go to work, but the truth is I'm just so friggin lazy. That is why I can't work with people. I am too lazy to do almost anything, and that includes fighting with the boss. Freelancing or creating own business seems the best exit. Yes, they need a lot of work, but it's a lot of work suitable for a lazy ass like me.

I mean, have you ever realised why I am a novelist? I mean, working with things that doesn't exist? Yes, that is the job of the lazies. Almost all lazy people become writers. If not, they'll become editors and then other writers will just scuff at them and go, "Pfft, kiss ass."

I was telling mum about something I did in primary school that makes me realise that I have always been this short-cut person. When we were in standard 2 @ sekolah agama, ustazah made us memorise Doa Qunut (which is of course important, because if you do not memorise Doa Qunut, how did you ever do your subuh prayer?). I did mine with utmost difficulty (memorising wasn't really my forte.. I mean, it still isn't), but my pal Sal was having more difficulty than I did. And ustazah made us stand and only people who memorised it can sit down. So in the end, there was only like 5 people standing up and that includes Sal. She was all teary eyed because she can't remember everything (it has 12 lines).

But ustazah wasn't THAT kejam. She let you recite some and you can always look at the book when you get stuck. So I kinda taught Sal to just go and recite one line to her, and then comes back and memorise the other line and so on so forth. Since ustazah was too busy to realise that Sal has been going to and fro like 10 times in the course of her memorisation, Sal ended up passing the test.

In standard 5, I sent the same anyaman I did when I was in standard 4. Art class was really annoying when teachers tend to make you do anyaman every single year, like some annual art thing. Bu the fifth year in a row, I got fed-up (handicraft isn't really my thang), so I took my old anyaman when I was in standard four, erase the evidence of last year's work by scribbling flowers in red ink behind the anyaman, and sent it. In standard four, I got B- for the anyaman. In standard 5, the same thing got me an A- and was plastered on the art board.

From that day on, I learn that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

In high school, I made a barter system with Dinie. She was to copy my Arabic homework and I'll copy her math. In the end, she still doesn't understand balaghah and I am still a math moron. But it shows that I am really good at History - the subject where you learn about 'barter system'.

Before I entered IIUM, dad wanted me to take English Literature or Law. I wrote "BENL" in the first box of my application and "Law" on the second. As soon as my dad left, I erased it and turned it into "HUMAN SCIENCES". Come to think of it, maybe "Law" suited me better. I mean, I'm already full of crap, aren't I?

In IIUM I learn to cope through observing the lecturers behaviour. I pick "Spanish Hapsburg" as my Political History's assignment just because I'm too lazy to go to the library. I took "Methods of Dakwah" with Dr Osman Chuah because I know the drill - IRKHS lecturers just love it when you can put lots of hadiths and Quranic verses in your essays. It doesn't matter that I don't understand his thick chinese accent most of the time, I still aced the subject. Dr Fateh loves it when students quote from other political scientists and Dr Ishtiaq loves people who choose to write Straussian and Neocons instead of the more idealistic political figures. Dr. Zeenath? Learn to quote and compare Plato to Imam Al-Ghazali. You don't have to know everything. You just have to know the right thing.

See, I DO know how to be political.

In CO, I play the poker card. If you can make a poker face, and pretend that you are interested, all's well. Except for the part where I like to argue a lot and apparently bosses don't LOVE fighters...

In NK, well... I am a hardworker there (*cough*cough*). Sorry, I still work there.

But with Munafsya you just can't do that. You're with friends and they know you. They know how you act, how you approach things and how you play your politics. Heck, I can even play the diplomatic card with my dad, but I can't do that with my bestfriends.

In conclusion, I can't be lazy anymore.

Drats.

Sabtu lepas kitorang officially ambil kunci untuk dua lot kedai for the tadika. Aku, Mun dan pakej Nad (pakej Nad bermaksud: Nad plus Yeh plus Adam) pergi bayar deposit and amik kunci dari Wilson who was so happy to finally get a business he left his pen at the restaurant.

Went to see the place, and Mun keluarkan chalk and measuring tape and started measuring the place up untuk renovation (the perks of having an architect bestfriend. I knew there's a good reason why her application for Human Sciences was rejected and transferred to Architecture masa kat UIA dulu).

Two cups of air kelapa and goreng pisang later, we followed Nad to Setia Alam untuk tengok rumah yang nak disewanya. Actually kalau diikutkan, if jalan dari Denai Alam ke Setia Alam dah ada, Setia Alam ke Shah Alam akan jadi lebih dekat (so many 'alam' in that sentence). I was telling Mun that I have to learn to stop cussing if I am to teach kids.

"Ko bayangkanla kalau anak murid tanya aku soalan, pastu aku jawab, 'Apa kau mengarut ni setan? Babi betul..."
"Haha... ye, sile berubah."

Then she was amused that I remembered all KFC songs. I'm tellin ya, if there's a contest where one must sing KFC jingles, I'm gonna win that.

Here's the KFC song where the kids kacau granpa mengecat rumah;
"Semalam kami meneman atuk, nampaknya atuk terlalu sibuk, kami kasihan melihatnya, kami menolong apa terdaya, tapi datuk berkata, cu mari ke KFC, wow rezeki, kami makan apa kami mahu, tak sangka meneman atuk semudah itu, KFC idamanku selalu...."

and ini lagu versi atuk dia;
"Semalam atuk menjaga cucu, banyak pulak kerja nak dibuat tu, cucu nak tolong beria-ia, ah nanti habis rosak jadinya, macam ni pening kepala, nasib baik ke KFC, cucu kata jadi, di sana cucu makan tak jemu, KFC idamanku selalu..."

and ini iklan pemain bola;
"Main bola bukannya susah, sepak penalti lagi mudah, cakap ini macam penambah, alamak apa dah jadi, sudah kalah dua kali, nasiblah ada KFC, kentang ayam penawar hati, tiada siapa pun nak tegur, tapi mungkin penjaga gol, KFC memang kawanku, idamanku selalu..."

iklan pemain bola versi english;
"........... oh no what have I done, lost the game the second time, KFC  is still my friend, fries and chicken, will somebody talk to me, yes it looks like the goalie, because we're friends at KFC, there is where I want to be..."

iklan zoo KFC;
"Apabila perut lapar, ayam goreng pun ada, bermainlah di safari sambil makan di sana, jadi jangan tunggu, marilah kita ke zoo, KFC idamanku selalu..."

Hail Syahida, KFC songs extraordinaire!

After looking at the house in Setia Alam, we kinda felt like it's a great place to settle, and started each other's dream of buying a house and all that when the kindergarten soars.

"Macam Nad, pergi tengok rumah dengan husband."
"Betul. Tapi Mun, aku rasa kalau aku kahwin dengan orang yang aku sayang, rumah flat pun aku tak kisah........................"
senyap seketika.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA..." kitorang dua orang gelak mengalahkan setan.
"That is so tacky, man." kata aku.
"Nasib baik tak guna ayat, 'sebab dia cintakan aku'..." kata Mun.
"Kami saling mencintai..." kata aku
"Wahahaha... geli gila, rasa nak tampar." kata Mun.
"Betul. Atau bak kata Shazrina, 'Adik cintakan dia'... satu-satunya manusia yang boleh lepas guna perkataan tu cuma Quraisyah sorang je."
"Hahaha..."

Singgah TESCO, gi Petshop sebab kengkonon kat tadika nanti nak buat satu tempat untuk pets, but end up beli skirt kat kedai mamat Pakistan. Chilaker betul mamat Pakistan tu. Kitorang tanya dia berapa harga skirt tu, dia jawab RM29, lepas tu kata boleh turun harga jadi RM25 and terus masukkan skirt dalam plastik. Pastu beli mini donut, and Mun jakun seketika tengok mesin buat donut tu. Just letak dough dalam dia, then it squeezed itself to a donut shape, and terus masuk dalam minyak, and ada sudip thingy untuk keluarkan sendiri atas board. Damn genius.
 
I mean, it tasted so good, especially with the dark chocolate, I swear to God it almost felt sinful.

Balik tu, aku tengok keliling TESCO, and since it's a new place, kawasan tu kosong.
"Nampak kosong je..." kata aku.
"Apa? Hidup ko?" tanya Mun dan gelak macam setan.
Sebab saling kutuk-mengutuk, tak pasal2 sesat sampai masuk jalan nak ke Cyberjaya.

Mun bought us pashminas and khulwah (arab sweets) dari Jordan. Rasa segan pulak sebab aku tak beli apa-apa untuk diorang masa gi Singapore arituh. Hectic gila masa tuh. Didn't even find a time to browse around, except drooling over the new Mitsubishi-i. Oh my God, I so want that car, I can just die right now.

Last Friday my boss asked me to see her and said that diorang tak jadi pindah Subang Perdana and want me to go to the next step - using the system and masukkan sendiri subtitles.
"Subang Perdana seems to far for you to come." katanya.
Errr... now I don't know how to tell her I am quitting.
Maybe I can just make a deal with her, buat freelance sabtu ahad ke... aiyaiyai... why la make it hard for me to leave? I have to, man. Why not do it like CO? "Hey I'm leavin'." "Yeah, ok, whatever..." (bukan dialog sebenar)

Balik rumah, rupanya dad went to the warehouse sale again and bought more movies - some western with Charleton Heston and old "Spartacus"... and "Cold Mountain". Cool. I never watched "Cold Mountain" before.

"Ayah ko tu tak ada kerja lain. Asyik beli cd je..." kata mak.
"Mak, sile jangan kutuk ayah saya." kata aku.
Mak stressed. Hahaha.

7.30am Subang Parade.
"Wait here on Thursday too. I'll come pick you up at this TRG Fridays."
"It's TGI Fridays, dad."

8.00am otw to Bukit Kiara
"You have to watch Halloween and Saw VI. And we have the Michael Jackson thing."
"Double horror Wednesday? Aiyaiyaiyai."

10.30am, Odyssey bus
"Cathay first, then we'll go to that Michael Jackson thing, then I return to the same place and you go straight to Shaw Centre."
"Uhuh... uhuh... what?"

11.45am, Odyssey bus
"Ugh, I should have not watched "Blood Diamond" while eating in the bus."
"Stomach ache?"
"No, that bloody URF cut the boy's hand!"

1.15pm, immigration.
"Swee, you know, that officer was looking at my passport photo and looked at me and then asked for my IC. What the hell? I was just chubbier during that pic time, does he have to be so overly dramatic about it. As if I stole someone else's passport."
"Really? He didn't ask for my IC. I think he must really like my passport photo, like, oh my she is so nice and very Chinese..."
"You mean your passport photo where you look like a Jaya Jusco salesperson? Hahahaha."
Hey! I prefer CARREFOUR."

2.05pm, otw on Bukit Timah Road
"Syahida, what the hell!"
"What?"
"I'm wearing my house slippers!"
"Hahahahahahahaha...."

2.15pm, Victoria Hotel lobby
"I'm sorry, miss, but we only have one bed. Do you mind?"
"Syahida, do you mind?"
"I don't mind. But don't try anything. I'm still a virgin."
"Cheh, what la you."

2.45pm, otw to The Cathay
"Remind me to take a picture under this Waterloo St signboard."
"Why?"
"As a tribute to ABBA."
"Huh?"

3.00pm, Cathay
"Idiots...."
"Hahaha, I know, right. CVS and Marcel was right about them."
"See you later. Good luck watching whatever boring-poster movie."
"Eyh, shut up la you. You're watching Halloween."
"Ugh, I know."

4.45pm, otw to Cineleisure
"I can't fall asleep. I was watching a bloody slasher movie!"
"Man, we're too early. Wanna go check out Shaw Centre?"

Otw to Shaw Centre
"My God, we're like two drunken people."
"I just wanna crawl up and sleep down that tree."
"Oh look, there's Shaw Centre."
"Great, let's return."
"Hi miss, do you wanna join a free trial at our salon?"
"We're not locals."
"I see."
(5minutes later)
"Hi, can you tell me where..."
"Sorry, we're not locals."
"Oh, I see."
"Do we look local?"
"I guess maybe because we're superawesome."
"Pfft. Hahaha."

7pm, Cineleisure.
"The Michael Jackson guy seemed like he didn't know what to do."
"It's the carpet. He can't moonwalk there."
"I don't care. I'm poor and hungry especially after finding out that My RM60 is just worth 22 dollar here. I'm here for the free food. Heck I'm always at premieres for free food. What do I care about celebrities. Damn, shish kebabs! I want to go to there."
"Yea... and what's with events and this red pinky juice thingy?"
"It's a fruit cocktail, Swee."

7.45pm, Cineleisure entrance.
"Swee, what was it? Level 11?"
"What? What? Uhuh, yeah, I gotta go. Bye!"

8.25pm, otw to Shaw Centre
"What the fuck? Closed for construction? I don't wanna go all the way down the tunnel!"

8.35pm
"Level 11 is a carpark!"
(5 minutes later)
"Level 5 sure don't have no press previews."
(5minutes later)
"Pinat, it's Syahida."
"But you're in Singapore! Isn't it expensive?"
"I know, but by any chance do you have the address for this night's Saw thingy?"
(5minutes later)
"9pm show? Come back later."
"But the press preview will be held here, right? On level 13?"
"Mhm."
(5minutes later)
"Summarise your problem to me now."
"I found it already. It's 11 not 13. Ok Bye."

9.35pm, preview hall, Shaw Centre
"I cannot believe I am celebrating an early Halloween."
(cue screaming sound from the screen)

11.35pm
"Victoria Hotel, Uncle."
(10minutes later)
"10minutes? I have walked a 10minutes by taxi?"

12am, room 410, Victoria Hotel
"Where the hell is Swee?...."

12.45am, room 410, Victoria Hotel
"Heiiiii....."
"You made me worried, man. Why so long?"
"I'm so tired but I still have to send the photos."
"I know. I just finished a review."
"What? Already?"

1.15am, room 410, Victoria Hotel
"What the hell, now I'm wide awake."
"Me too."

6.15am, room 410, Victoria Hotel
"Sooooound straight from the twiiiiliiiiight, has me up alllll niiight, I caaaan't..."
"Ugh shut up alarm clock!!!"

9.45am, St James Power Station.
"They'll be a bit late. Kim has an eye infection."
"Coke or Sprite?"
"Sprite."
"Water with ice, please?"
"What la you, Swee. She asked you two drinks, and you add another one."
"No la, Tony. I can't take carnobated drinks this early."

10.45am, otw to Vivo City
"The eye infection is called stye? Should have called the movie "The spy with a stye"."
"Damn nice. We should use that as a news title."
"Then you have to make a separate news for Kim Ha-Neul's eye infection. I'm so glad I don't have to write any news."

12.00pm, GV
"It's an R-21 movie. Are you over 21."
"Yes."
"Let me see both of your ICs."
(2minutes later)
"Sorry, but this is a Shaw movie."
"Oh, I see...."
(whisper) "Damn he's clever."
"I know..."
"And he thinks we're under 21. I'm flattered. Hahaha."
"Probably because you're with me."
"Or probably because we're walking around with bagpacks."
"Yeah, if there's a camera with us, people might think we're in a new Amazing Race Asia."

1.10pm, Vivo City 2n floor
"Using the toilet here is horrifying."
"Eyh? Why?"
"There's no water. I can't deal with toilets that got no pipes."

1.35pm, ground floor, Vivo City
"My God, I want that Mitsubishi-i."
"I know! I wish I was rich."
"Yeah. This is so not fair. We should be rich too."

3.45pm, GV Hall 2
"Damn it Aaron Eckhart you make me cry. Stupid movie."

4.35pm, running towards taxi stand
"My God, I am sooo not going to enter the Amazing Race."
"I knoooooowwwww...."
"Especially an Amazing Race without the million dollar."

5.25pm, immigration.
"What the hell? They still look at my passport photo then look at me."
"I love my photo, so nice and like a girl from Taiwan."
"You mean your Jaya Jusco salesperson picture?"

6.00pm, otw to K Ave
"We'll be stoping at Tanjung Sempah shortly."
"Being this cabin crew is even harder than a stewardess."
"Huh?"
"They have to walk in a bus. In heels! That takes more balance than in a plane. And nobody ever drools over them or knew they exist and I don't think their salary is that much. Poor bus-stewardesses."

10pm, Suria KLCC
"How are you going back?"
"Commuter, I guess. You're going to the office tomorrow?"
Swee nods.
"Good for you. Ugh, why did I promise my boss I'll go to the office. I must be crazy. I'm so friggin tired."

12am, home.
"Meow."
"Come inside, Phibun."
"Meow."
"Stop trying to act cool. I know you missed me, stupid cat. Get in or I'll kick you."

12.45am, room.
"What the hell. I'm wide awake."

Here is one thing dumb people do not understand.

To those who thinks they think, there are two types of thinking. You may be the positive thinker, seeing the world in a glass half full, and the negative thinker, who sees the glass half empty.

Thus people like me are seen as negative thinkers, victimised by our own lack of self-esteem, cringed at the thought of success because confidence might jinx it. We are looked at by the optimistic as the bane of society - the type of people who can't even go out without thinking she might get hit by a car. Poor poor Syahida, miserable old soul...

But the truth is, there is another layer to that. You can be optimistic, and at the same time destroy your own self.

I am a negative thinker, yes. But I have hope. I think human are reckless selfish being, but I also know that each and every person is born with a clean slate, as the Quran puts it. No child is burdened with the sins of his or her forefathers nor born with one. It's how they turned up in nature and in nurture that changes things.

Thus, I have hope in human kind. I have hope that people will change, that there's conscience in each and every living breathing person, no matter how many times they say they won't (but those who succeeded in not changing will get a congratulation from me, though it doesn't benefit their own self and the act of trying to show me that, has no point at all. What a waste). A serial rapist called John Krebs has written in his letter before his death  sentence that he know how evil he is evil but the question is what makes him that? It's not the fact that he doesn't know the answer, but to question such thing means you have a conscience, an innocence inside you. That little dot from that clean slate.

Therefore, no matter how bad things are, how negative I think about the world today - how corrupt men can be, how stupid women can act, how ridiculous the whole world is, I still have hope. I still have hope that people can change, that life can suddenly turn around, that miracles can happen.

Now, optimism is not always a good thing. Optimistic people with no hope will only shower themselves with the happiness of the now, empty laughter that echoes throughout the bloody space inside a place - the place where the clean slate exist but are too far from reaching. Optimism can just be a fortress to cover a suffocating subconscious that has nothing but suicidal thoughts. Optimism is a laughter that hides the loneliness that no medication can cure, calling us negative-people as the poor restless souls. Pitying us. Mocking us.

Pity those who have no hope, no dreams, and are amused by fake reality... hoping that their conscience will answer to God and that the universe will understand.

Life is a reality television, baby. Even if I don't win here, there's a chance that I will excel outside this gigantuous television, where my existence are real.

Dunia ini hanya tempat persinggahan saya, orang-orang negatif seperti saya, mereka yang lebih banyak menangis dari ketawa, mereka yang lebih banyak sengsara dari bahagia.

Kamu? Apa yang kamu ada?

Tee heee... I'm sorry. Newfound freedom and happiness always makes me a bit cruel.  

(baru baca Masni's new entry. I love it!)

"Every women wants to be fierce like a tiger but cared like a kitten."
                                                                                        - Roberto Cavalli

What does that got to do with anything?

I don't even know. Hahahahaha.

When I was called and asked to go to Singapore (and of course that is not because I'm so great or anything, just that they need an extra to complete Swee... haha), I was like, yeah, okay, I'll go.

Two hours later I went, "Yeaaaaaaaaaa, I dun have a passport."

Called Swee and told her I may not be able to join her with no passepartou... and she went, "But it can finish in 2 hours la. Go get your passport."

And since dad kept having this "we're-still-going-to-Jakarta-no-matter-if-Pak-Estiko-is-still-alive-or-not", I guess why not. So to immigration I went.

Boy, note to oneself: ALWAYS snap new passport pic and not usin the old one.

My pictures were those that I took in 2007, the happy year. Which means the chubby face that upon entering the immigration computer and resized, CHUBBIERRRRRR, you would think I am a sibling of Roseanne Bar.

I have no qualms about looking chubby and all that. I'm just scared that if somehow I died in Singapore, people think I stole someone else's passport.

Then followed dad bookshopping. Bookshopping happens when dad just got his pensioner's money, and usually he'll go to Marwillis or Saba Islamic Media and bought Dr 'Aidh's book. I tried reading Dr Aidh's book but so far I got nothin. I must be dead inside or something.

I pau his money to buy me a book about Salahudin Al-Ayubi so the next time someone going "Who the hell is Salahudin Al-Ayubi?" I can just shove it to their face. I also bought Deedat's "What the BIBLE says about MUHAMMAD". RM3, dowh. So cheap with so many info. (IKLAN FREE untuk Saba'). And then he went habbatus sawda shopping.... I bought meself the kopi susu kambing because that's how I roll...... damn lame.

This stupidly slow Maxis Slothband is killin me. I got a business plan I can't write and a release letter I can't email. fyuuckered.

SATURDAY

Went to see the realtor and get the shoplot offer letter. Then off to Subang Jaya, meet Swee at Parade and then to Adam's house.

Both Swee and I just realised one thing during the ride when we were talking about my tadika project.

"Why are you interviewing me about this? You don't have a kid."
"No, I'm just curious, man. I only entered kindergarten for a week so I do not know how it actually functions."
"Why?"
"Dad said I cried too much and they just decided that kindergarten is not for me."
"Oh? I was never in a kindergarten too. Dad couldn't afford it." says I.
"Seriously? Wow, we're a team. Yeah, we don't need no kindergarten. Look at us, we turned out okay. We're even awesome than the others."
"Yeah, baby."
(then both doing the "awesome" dance).

Well, I thought I was the only kindergarten-less kid. Now I got gang already. Hah.

Saw Zim there. Been a long time since any of us saw Zim. Arile was there earlier and we left before knowin if Veron came or not. Saw lil Akid (who isn't so lil now). I thought we would be there for just an hour or two and yet end up borak sampai pukul 10malam. The commuter only comes at 11. Dang.

Saw Swee's phone punya wallpaper (the half-naked Rain) and went, "Seriously? This guy?" and she looked at me with that confused face and went, "Why the hell people kept saying that?" (sorry, babe. I'm a sucker for the Clint Eastwood-ey type, not Korean idols)


SUNDAY

Today the family have nasi tomato for lunch (Maria's leftover).
Internet is still celaka. 

I had just witnessed something extraordinary yesterday that got me thinking.

Sometimes no matter how many excuses you give, that you have moved on, that the person you used to love is no longer the person in your mind, the truth is sometimes they come back and sometimes they hit you straight at your heart and you fall down in the most heartbreaking way.

Okay, so I learned this while yawning and putting my head near the air-conditioner because it was friggin hot, which resulted in me having this peculiar dream where a dwarf is serving me coconut shake on a palm beach.

Aaaaaanyway...

It started.... well, it started many years ago, but how should I know when is that actually. But to make it short, it started last Thursday when A said that B is leaving Malaysia. Then BAM! It turns ugly. Seriously, I do want to stab B right on his heart but I got no right to do so. I thought about cancelling "Pandorum" and Olyn's wedding but instead I brought A with me.

Okay, actually I'm a bit haggard right now. I had to work on Friday, then went to Buku Prima's feast so I can see my editor and find out when my novel gonna be published "This January," says he. "I've read it, typical you to sound so spontaneous." he continues. The title for the moment is "NOVEL CINTA" (yes, I hate thinking about titles) and yes, I will be there on next year's book fair at PWTC. I'M BACK, BABY!

Then to PKNS, and straight away to Putrajaya for our meeting (plus makan saki-baki jamuan raya HDC yang Yeh tapau). Since I didn't expect a sleepover, I ended up pinjam baju Nad for the night and for the next day.

Went to watch "Pandorum" and realised half way that I have fallen asleep. Damn. It's not much about that movie being boring. I love the "Event Horizon" meets "The Descent" feel to it, but the to-and-fro that has been going on this week kinda tires me out. My friend was like, "I was so stressed out with all the blood and gore and you fell asleep?"

Yeah, it annoys boys too. Bahahaha. 

I controlled myself from using the toilet since Tropicana City mall got extremely bad toilet system. I mean, that water-comin-out-from-the-jamban is one thing, but some cubicles don't even have them and yet I see lots of girls coming out from it. We were like, "Ugh, this is so not an Asian toilet."

Makes me wonder... if only the boyfriends knew that these pretty little things in short skirts and cute wedges that smell of Chanel and Carolina Herrera actually don't clean their bums... don't let me start about them who threw tissues into the jamban after use. You know, personal hygiene means taking care of the cleanliness of your surrounding too.

I mean, I'm only usin those toilets if I'm in darurat.

So then, it started. It started with a phone call, and we ended up in the Blue Mosque where the phone fight begins and I fell asleep while listening to them. It makes me think, that such feeling sometimes suffocates you in the most terrible of ways. Like a pandorum, it makes you hallucinate, scared and can't think straight. And I hoped that I will never need to be in such position. That I need to wriggle my way out of such tragedy. I do not want to end up suffering entirely - personally and professionally.

Though I love the 'stress sampai kurus' part. Hahaha.

God said that sometimes the things you want the most are the things that are bad for you while the things that you deem wrong is actually good for you.

Allah knows best.

Yeah, if you're feelin like deja vu, it's not. I copy paste one entry unto 2 blogs - goes to show how lazy I am nowadays with the online world.

Had three days of energy sucking fun. Fun, yes. Energy sucking, uhuh, that one too. It's for the kindergarten that we'll be opening soon (still struggling on the finance, forgive me if these past few weeks I have shown a pisau-cukur side of me. The lack of money turns any normal women into vultures.) It's weird, since I never been in a kindergarten. I never knew how it feels like to be in a nursery school, being someone who lompat terus masuk darjah satu. Apparently it's a lot of fun and games <- kesian, budak jakun...

I think the ustaz loved us just for the fact that we came from a religious school, which means, we would not have to struggle as much in trying to maintain an Islamic preschool. I do think it's important what with how badly things are today. So many people that I knew can't read jawi. Like Nad said, it's a fundamental thing. If you can't read jawi, it means that you can't read the Quran. How does someone who can't spell/read the Quran gets to pray?

In a way, I do sometimes feel like I am in some sort of a weird meeting room (where it is held). Being in a place with lots of preschool teachers, at times they tend to talk to you as if you're a six year old, and being a monotonous person (with adults), I sometimes feel like I'm being surrounded by the army of Willy Wonka. Or lots of Bree Van De Kamps.

On second day, I had to borrow Nad's tudung because I was wearing my low-necked dress and my tudung wasn't long enough to cover the chest area.

"Breast-enhancing tudung?" Nad asked and laughed, so she lend hers. Thank God.

Earlier that day, we too were asked to wear the official staff's bib that somehow makes me feel like Lee Yound-Ae in "Jewel in the Palace" and kept puttiing my hand inside the pocket and went, "Dae, Han sanggeum."

At the same time, we had the chance to spend more time with Adam (I mean Nad's baby, not the CO staff or the guy who manages the MS Powerpoint throughout the course...). Last night, I managed to sing him new made-up lullabies which I do think is giving Nad a headache (for poisoning her son's head). Haha. Like the song "Syarikat Pinjaman Wang Berlesen";

"Oh Adam, jangan pinjam wang,
di syarikat pinjaman wang berlesen,
nanti tangan kena potong,
dan rumah kena cat warna merah,
sebab walaupun nama dia berlesen,
tapi dia sebenarnya AhLong juga..."

atau lagu "Ramly Burger";

"Why la west, Ramly burger is the best..."
(this verse isn't my original lyric...)

atau lagu "Obama ke Apa ke tak penting";

"Oh Adam, tak kira siapa juga Presiden Amerika,
if you're a Muslim, you still akan ditimpa bencana..."

Finally Mun sighed and said, "Nad, aku rasa ko kena carikan suami untuk Shai ni sebab aku rasa die perlukan anak sendiri untuk diracunkan mindanya..."

I think that's why God still let me be a bachelorette. I must stop poisoning the young minds first. I think if I have a kid, he/she would be burdened with lullabies about MNC scare, Freemason conspiracies, scientific study of Mamat Khalid and Sam Raimi's movies and how to identify useless men.

Finally, after seeing how the 6 months old kiddo kept creasing his forehead at my 'beautiful' voice and hard-hiting emotional lyrics (ha), I thought it was time to sing him a real song. So I sang Rabbani's "Anak Soleh" to the lil one, and he seemed to like it. And put his head gently on my chest....

.... only to realise that the kid is actually hungry, so I give him back to Nad to breastfeed.

Sorry kiddo, these boobs are made for walking... (huh?)

I think I'm not fit to be writing normally at the moment. Lemme get a rest first.
 

I am tired.

Yay, an entry about tiredness. Boy you must be missin me rants, is you?

I'm not tired bodily. Just mind. Paklong was looking into my plate of nasik tomato and jokingly comparing it to my sister's. He said that while kaklong put the piece of chicken on one side, potato on the other and the rice is at one side, mine is a jumble of potato upon chicken upon rice.

"That's because psychologically she's messed up." kaklong said. "She's trying to open a kindergarten while managing her unstable freelance job."

Actually I'm not tired of that. I get tired thinking about that. I think the same goes for Nad, Mun and Tim too. We were thinking about our work, about THAT work, about money, juggling stuff. On my part, juggling stuff here means rearranging and scheduling priority, thinking about the money I make, I have to make, before going straight into this business.

I never have touched more than RM1.5k a month since the first time I work. Never even once. I think, usually at this time, people of my year would have make at least 2.2k per month. I do think I have an unusual tolerance on being paid little, and now with this project in hand, it means that I pushed a lot of work away, and will eat dirt this couple of months ahead. Ahahahah.

But anyway, reading Nad's blog, I think I need to make my gratitude list too. Tomorrow, or whenever.

But right now I am grateful that I have real friends, that I have a family that really cares despite of us bullying each other every day, that we found a perfect home for our perfect lil business. I am grateful that the new INUYASHA & FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST is on TV too. It makes me feel like my years in IIUM.

I should be sleeping since I got kursus tomorrow, but instead I am spending time listening to people-in-love gushes about their loved ones. I used to be annoyed when that happens, but dunno why, I don't mind it so much now. I even feel happy for them.

I have matured! (*grinning penuh makna*)