The longest blog entry ever. Deal with it.
Nice new blog song innit? Kinda suck your confidence a bit.
I am writing this with a fever, so I guess you guys might enjoy it... people usually enjoy my writings more when I'm not healthy.

FRIDAY

I was sick.
And you wanna know why? Because I was rubbing my eyes and the bits of chillies got into my eyes. It redden, pedih, stinging, and right after I got it out, my eyes are all watery and I feel queasy in my nose. Right after that, sneezes. Right after that, sick.
So, I was sick because of a tiny bit of chilli.

SATURDAY

My cousin Ira's wedding. Of the 20 something grandkids my late gramma has, the first who got married is not even her first grandchild. And as I was at the wedding, mum was tellin me about Ira siblings' partners. Ajoi's girlfriend stayed at kampung, and both of them were wearing black, while Nonet and her boyfriend were wearing red. Mum said that Cik Shah would be extremely lega since she got one down, and another three to go, and two out of three is already with a partner. All that time mum was talkin, all I was thinkin was,

"Is it necessary for them lovers to be colour coordinated?"

Mum was talkin to one of the guests there who I pressume she knows (unlike Aying who went to talk to people, some of them even his own relatives that he doesn't know is one until later on... talk about 'ignorance about father's side of the family'), and they keep on having these type of conversation,
"It's good they got married. My kids however are still single, not yet found the perfect one."
"Oh, mine too."
"Yeah, mine too."

Great. Make up a club, will you? The 'My kids can't find husbands' Club. I'll set up the playdate. Smores and Craving-for-Grandchilds' Cookies to go with it.

I know, it's just ways for worried parents to lash out their feelings without being hurtful. It's a given for parents to sigh at other people children's wedding. Tradition. I had a fun time doing other stuff like, termenung... and learn my dad's trick at not-doing-anything. MY dad is super rajin, but he got this trick when he's lazy. It's the 'put-hands-on-hips-with-creasing-forehead' look. Just go to that part of the house where people are busy working, and do that look. People who walk by might think you've just done a lot of work, and people around you might be too busy to realise that you haven't done anything at all.

And dad was the one who was the happiest of all. He get to meet his old friends, so of course he is. I know he was extremely happy, because he seemed to forgot that he has a listening defect and was listening to people and have a chat with people like he has the best ears in the country. I also realised that the Negeri Sembilan's Chief Minister sent a flower bouquet for the newlyweds. Mum said that's because my aunt and him went to the same school together. I think it's brilliant. I mean,not that same school part. More like, you know... the flower bouquet part. I'm gonna do that.

You send an invitation to the chief minister, and he of course couldn't come, and so would send a flower bouquet with a congrats card (because that's what Chief Ministers would do so minions like us won't hate him and not vote him in the next election). You put it at the centrepiece, and have people go "Oooooo, they know the chief minister!"

It's the same trick a friend of my friend used. She sent a Hari Raya card to Sultan Brunei and he (or more likely his group of staffs) sent a reply back with dua ratus ringgit worth of Brunei currency for 'duit raya'. Heck, I should sent love letters to Sultan Brunei every month... that would pay the electricity bill.

And oh yeah, Baharudin Omar (a.k.a. television's Anjang Aki) was there too. I was like, "He's a friend of the family?" and my mum went "Yeah."

Great. Tell me more about friends of the family when I have resigned from Cinema Online, okay? Because I really do not need them to make it easier to get an interview or anything during my time there, right? Pfft.

If one day dad suddenly told me Sean Connery is a friend of his, I would just literally die.

Then we went to Sukabumi to celebrate Shazrina's birthday. Many don't understand this, but though we're very distant to dad's family (he got twelve siblings that we meet once a year! Each of them have like, four kids... imagine trying to remember them all.), we're very close to mum's side. So, almost all vacations and parties and kenduris and whatever there is a chance to meet up, we'll gather and celebrate with food.

So, since the Adventure Community Centre in Sukabumi Kendong, Negeri Sembilan is like the coolest place ever, and so very near Rembau, we celebrated Shazrina's birthday there. Makcik organised this win lose or draw game and separated us into two groups, and I was reading the names in my group and went,

"Kaklong got Aying, Dila and Nana in her group and I got Lilie and Akmal? Yup, we're gonna lose."

But it turns out that Akmal couldn't make it to the party and my group got Paklong instead. The other group was not satisfied at all since they think he's going to lead us to victory or something. Yeah, I thought so too... that's why I was jumping up and down with joy... but then as the game went on,  I realised that they got Mak Kak... who secretly is good at guessing game.

Darn it. I still lost.    

In my defense, you cannot draw "Batu Berendam" and Lilie sure can't draw "Sarjan Hassan"... nor even a riffle belonging to Sarjan Hassan. And Kaklong shouldn't be too proud of her version of 'Ali Setan'. If it wasn't for the garfu (devil's spear) that the setan is holding, I don't think Aying would have guessed the Heathcliff-looking cat she drew to be a devil at all.

SUNDAY

I was watching E! and there's news about Kendra Wilson, the girl next door-dubbed Playboy bunny who is gonna get married... I mean, don't you think the word 'girl next door' and 'Playboy bunny' do not go hand in hand at all? I mean, I'm a girl next door... do I look like a Playboy bunny?

.................don't answer that.

I was watching the pre-recorded "Last Comic Standing" when my phone rang. An Indian lady calling from Sunway Pyramid Hotel told me that I have won a voucher for their honeymoon suite.

"Are you married?" she asked.
"No, I'm not."
"Good afternoon and thank you." she ended the call and thus went my voucher.

.......................................... SEE! That is why people get married! If I was married yesterday instead if Ira, I would have had the honeymoon suite, dammit!   

Hmmm... I should have called back, you know, and go, "Actually, I forgot... I AM married after all. Ha, what do you know...", get my honeymoon suite voucher and pay someone to pretend to be my husband. Then I'll pay him to go ride the rollercoasters all night long while I enjoy my room and all the peanuts stacked in the fridge.... and throw all Heinekens and Guiness down the swimming pool too while I'm at it.

Ah, dreams don't always come true.

Got a migraine. Slept it off without chanelling a Dr-House (i.e., swallow a bunch of painkillers). Thought "Big deal, just a minor headache".

MONDAY

Went to the office after a week off job. Kak A (my third boss... interesting how I always end up with jobs that "entitles" me to more than one boss at a time) asked me if I am interested to do a coffee table book project. I was like, what the heck, bring it on... I mean, I now am known as a 'greedy' person. People think I am threatening their position by taking lots of jobs. I don't know how immensely stupid that sounds but I guess I still have to explain that hey...

I. AM. A. FREELANCER.
(see, bold, lined and italic)

We're like the human version of Stephen Spielberg's JAWS. We don't have steady money so of course we take everything. You can chat and play facebook all day long and still get your stable salary each month. On the other hand, me gots to put me game face on and work hard labour or sometimes end up with no job at all. So stop being a wuss. Pfft.

I was given my favorite show on TV so I was like secretly jumping for joy... at last, after all that weirdly boring stuff I had to translate... and then they gave me another CD. I went on a translating frenzy albeit the headache that got even worse. Nana was showing me the picture of her fiance, which eerily looked like Fir (Fir as in Firdaus Juzup... my CO colleague... sigh, so many Firdauses in my life).  

I return home, and later spent an hour or so in the shower, drenching my hair with that stress shampoo (yes, there ARE such kind of shampoo) and went to bed in which I had a vivid dream plus hallucination that I am Deepika Padukone and am estranged to my husband... Charlie Sheen. Yes, that's because I watched "Koffee with Karan" and "Two and a Half Men" before decided that my migraine got worse and hit the shower... and there's Zim in that dream too. I think when you have a migraine you tend to dream about other people who has the same condition too.

Pfft, what kind of stupid theory is that...

Every time people went "Give me a break, you don't know how a hangover feels like." I feel like slapping them. I may not be a drunk, but I am a migraine sufferer. Trust me, I know how a hangover feels like. Yeah, that pounding sound that magnifies 1000 times, the stop-yelling-or-I'll-kick-your-ass feeling, the gagging feel inside your throat, the I-think-walking-slowly-might-reduce-the-pounding-but-who-am-I-kidding, the 'what-did-I-eat-last-night' feel inside your stomach...   and of course the 'oh-man-who-did-I-fuck-yesterday' (in which for migraine sufferer, the F-word stands for "Who did I marah and give my middle finger at unintentionally due to unstable emotion" instead of the more straightforward meaning of it)

I talked to him today. Man... He said that "...you're that kind of woman... who went and gets what she wants."

Yeah right.

Like I never heard that one before. I'm sorry. I'm sceptical around men nowadays. I think that is where my issues lie. Them to me are people that find me when they have problems, people who scuff at my ambitions, people who promise things and never came through with it, people who like me because they think they can't find better, people who die because some other people are too dumb to not drink alcohol while driving, people who think they're too cool for affection, or people who wants to stick with me while fishing out for better catch in the sea. No matter if I'm being nice to them, be rude to them, the situation remains the same.  

And right now, any men reading this will smile and think me bitter. Maybe I am.

There, I said it. Puas hati aku.

So, now do not ask me what is my problem. I am one broken person................. great, I'm kicking men away again, am I? God I need therapy. And Tim's back in Sabah again.   

Chaq sent me SMSes telling me that the 'terror' of our lives has return (seek olderrrrrr blog posts for more info... like, 2005's kind of old) to terrorise us again with her constant issues. These time, it's her 'cinta-terlarang-with-a-Turkish-guy'... the new relationship issue she brought to the table after we haven't seen each other for three years. Oh no. When will this girl learn that THAT'S what happen when you don't STICK TO YOUR OWN NA-TIO-NA-LI-TY! (read it like Samuel L. Jackson, just for the effect)

I dubbed this new stalkish theme as 'Turkish Delight Gone Wrong'. And ask Chaq to leave her be. We know what happened the last time.

Can't she just be like everybody else who return after many years and say HI... instead of returning to your life just to pester you with "Hi oh my we haven't seen each others in 3 years. How are you? I'm fine and still can't work my life and I want you to learn evvvverything about it..."

But then again, almost everybody that returns to my life after all these years came with the problem package. Do I look like I am all dandy and all ears to you? 

Mum just realised that all the jewelleries belonging to her (and us) are lost. Stolen. She can't stop lamenting about it since it includes her wedding ring and a necklace given by her mother in law that she cherishes so much. Mine are lost too. A gold ring, a gold bracelet, and a gold necklace with a pair of hearts dangling at the end. Cute. So not me.

My reaction? I was like, "Huh? Oh. Ah well." (I never wear them anyway except for Hari Raya... even then I will take it off before the clock strikes 12... PM, I mean. I hate gold. They're so offensively over-the-top) Can't say I missed it.. you can't miss things that you don't really care about, right?  Dad told mum to just 'halalkan' all of it. Mum doesn't want to. She wants the thief to rot in hell. Can't say I can blame the woman. Her wedding ring, man... If one day her man dies, she won't have the most important thing to remember him by.

Phibun went out and didn't come home.

TUESDAY

Migraine day 3.
Instead of getting better, I am now down with a fever, and Phibun has been missing for two days. And since we're on the God oh God life is crap moment, let's be more upset and in misery by joining all bad things altogether.
I'm sick, I have a migraine, I have loss of appetite, I lost my cat, I have 50 pages of work yet to be finished, I have a hutang with CO I have yet to pay, I don't know which way is up, my soul is full but my heart is empty, I'm claustrophobic, I'm broke, and there are mosquitos in my room. And I use flixter on flixter, not facebook. (I don't know how that is even equal to other stuff I just mentioned)

BUT. I am thankful I can still see, hear, talk and have my family and though I'm broke, I am not poor. Damn those who are not thankful for it all.  

See, I'm pessimistically positive.

Nah, sesiapa yang rasa tak hafal... "Ya Allah, aku memohonkan pilihan menurut pengetahuanMu dan memohonkan penetapan dengan kekuasaanMu juga ku memohonkan kurniaMu yang besar, sebab sesungguhnya Engkaulah yang Maha Mengetahui dan aku tidak mengetahui apa-apa. Engkau Maha Mengetahui segala yang ghaib. Ya Allah, jikalau di dalam ilmuMu bahawa urusanku ini '...............' baik untukku dalam agamaku, kehidupanku serta akibat urusanku, maka takdirkanlah untukku dan mudahkanlah serta berikanlah berkah kepadaku di dalamnya. Sebaliknya jikalau di dalam ilmuMu bahawa urusan ini '...........' buruk untukku, dalam agamaku, kehidupan serta akibat urusanku, maka jauhkanlah hal itu daripadaku dan jauhkanlah aku daripadanya serta takdirkanlah untukku yang baik-baik saja dimana saja adanya, kemudian puaskanlah hatiku dengan takdirMu itu."

This morning I wake up realisin that it's quite short. The hair I mean.
I feel like Farid Kamil in "3 Janda".

Bukak laptop, tapi nampak PSP Ajik layin around, so I took it and main Patapon. As a result, I wasted two precious hours. Evil Patapon.

I had a good laugh while talkin to him. Chaq says that I must be a moron if I let it go. Yeah, call me a moron again and see if that changes anything.

M.Nasir ni sajeeee je tau... buat konsert la ape la. Aku ni dahlah pokai tahap MC Hammer. Nak nyanyi "Suatu Masa".... nak... nak... Jis, karok seround!

RM24,000 per 3months royalty. Itu motivasi terbaru aku. If I have to sacrifice my own life story for it, I will. Tapi adekah cerita aku boleh dikire drama? Bilakah pulak aku akan dapat sebanyak itu? Kalau la itu royalty aku sekarang, toksah kata M.Nasir.... aku bayar orang suruh gali kubur Clark Gable.

Menunggu Kak K called macam tunggu boyfriend telefon. Haih, susah jadi orang on-call nih. In the meantime, main Patapon.

Bestnye jadi Cammy. Dapat kerja di Langkawi dan terus pindah sana. If I get that chance, I'll do it too. Amik lesen dulu la tapinye. Bukak homestay. Jual coconut shake & layang-layang waktu petang kat tepi laut. Watch sunset every day. Gile ape bunyik cam orang nak bersara.... tapi... bestnye

Tulis blog pon dah malas dah sekarang ni.

I was browsing photos when I realised something.

Yuppp... aaaaaand he finally cut his hair.
Isn't it weird that you found out about your friend's haircut on facebook?
And that no matter how many times you told him to cut his hair, he never listens, and the only reason he cut his hair is so that he can look more like The Joker.

Which reminds me, last Sunday, upon returning home from Putrajaya, I opened the door and saw dad has lost his Noh HUJAN hairdo, and has shaved his head. I laughed. I reckon that must be because he can't stand mum criticising the hairdo.
"You're not a young person, that hairdo only suits Ajik."
I don't think dad was trying to look like Noh HUJAN, he just doesn't have time to go get his haircut.

I start to feel stressed bila rambut makin panjang. The person who always cut my hair at the salon has quit so now the boss, who is a guy, does it all. I like the salon because they got a corner for people yang bertudung, but if they got no tukang gunting rambut pompuan, it would all be meaningless. I need to go back to Pantene, because I don't think CLAIROL is good for my hair. I wake up this morning realising that my hair is everywhere on my pillow as if I got leukimia or something.

Yes, sometimes I missed the old look, where I can braid, stylised, put up a ponytail, sanggul, and lots with it. But the state of working nowadays made having a long hair such a hassle. And I think part of the problem lies in my stress of work - keep thinking how to increase job, worrying I might lose the ones I had, doubting if I can keep on doing this. It's a hard time at the moment. The claustrophobia that comes from staying at home when I'm not needed in the office. I just have to get through it.

Interestingly I feel that everybody is waiting for me to fail, waiting for me to screw up somewhere so they can laugh and say "I told you so" and gave me a long lecture about steady jobs. But I have a new motivation now. I went to see Encik Ali and he showed me the overall performances of all novelists and show me Kak Siti's royalties. HER 3 months royalties gave me a new hope that being a novelist is not a job for the poor. I just have to find the best storyline there is.

"Use your own story." kata Tim nonchalantly.

That's quite melampau, but what the heck, eyh?  

Nad kept trying to make Mun come to her house and cut her hair. I think Mun has become the resident haircutter since 1999. But never let her talk while cutting, cuz that explained my bangs turning into Leonardo Di Caprio hairdo when I was in Form 5. Thank God I'm wearing tudung.

Leonardo Di Caprio reminds me of someone. Every time I saw his face on TV, there's this disturbed feeling of some sort. But then again, I am always disturbed nowadays, so that's nothing.

Usually Makkak will cut our hair. But she always said that cutting my hair tires her out. It's like it never ends. So now, I got nobody to cut my hair.  

(Updated: Finally cut hair. Mun did the job. Mum was saying "Next time bring Mun here so she can cut my hair too..." Habisla Munira Azman, dah jadi resident haircutter)

***
Tinah (Tim's lil sister) said that all of us have this weird way of elaborating one stupid thing into a long set of jokes and philosophy and always ends up with a sigh.
Well, that's how we became friends in the first place. Jokes. And Philosophies.

***
Have you met someone who is so much like you, the way of thinking, the same sense of humour, the same cynicism, and he's from the opposite sex, and it scares you to death? Encik KQ (sah2 bukan nama sebenar), is like the male version of me. So similar to a point where I can just finish his words or can detect the punch line to his jokes. My friends say that he's my 'soulmate', and that I'm 'lucky cuz not many people found such'.
Are you scared of your soulmate? Me think not.
He must've realised that too, and that's why has been supernice to me lately. Which is another reason to be scared.
Then your friends told you to be nice to him, see where that will get to. Is that even rational?  

munn: haiye... dan ko annoyed dgn kenyataan tu?
shai laden: aku annoyed knowing that people think it's romantic. 'Soulmate' and whatever jelah
munn: ahahahah... u r having a nervous breakdown
shai laden: i need painkiller
munn: ape jelah alasan ko bagi.. sbenanye nak rationalize perasaan ko je. You need a killer. Jom main layang2 ptg ni kat Putrajaya - kat tempat yg kt pegi aritu. Agak2 sampai bila nak distract diri sendiri dgn bermain layang2?
shai laden: sigh.... okay. Jom. Layang2 tu cam lagu "Kamu yang bawaku terbang"
munn: ahahahahha
shai laden: hahaha, entah apa jela rationalization tuh

KISAH STRESS DAN ALIM

munn: stress je carik lagu... tulah die
shai laden: hahahaha. takde, aku baru teringat aku mmg nak lagu tu sejak aizat nyanyi dulu
munn: cubela stress pegi baca quran ke.. oh tp ko takleh baca. ahahahha
shai laden: tula. cis, aku buat gak tu sbb tu skrg aku rajin gile la baca REACH Circle punye forwarded emails
munn: tu je yg masih bole waras lg tu..
shai laden: aku rase Tuhan saje buat gini supaya aku lagi rajin mengalimkan diri. Hahahaha
munn: betulla.. hmm...

Nadd: cant help it. depressed gile... rase nak puasa. bleh ke?
shai laden: boleh, tula aku kata... bile ko stress ko makin alim
Nadd: Hahahahaha
shai laden: Tuhan saje je buat ko stress
Nadd: hehehe

At 12pm in the Friday afternoon, Nad called.

"Shai, kau kerja ke hari ni?"
"(dengan penuh slow) "Ha'ah, boss called. Ada cd baru masuk. Nape?" sez I.
"Ingat nak ajak gi PD petang ni." kata Nadiah lagi.
But later she SMSed again saying it's rescheduled for tomorrow.
Mun buzzed on YM in yje evening.
"Aku ade keje kat Pulau Indah pagi tu, lepas tu aku datang amik ko."

Go to the toilet.
Dammit. Check calendar.
"What the f-? You're jealous I'm going to PD are you, stupid menstrual system?"

Sigh... kena cakap 'Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal', bak kata Ustazah Mahfuzah.

SATURDAY

Singgah gas station to buy some snacks, batteries and so Mun can pump some air into her Getz.
Pi Putrajaya, and then off to Port Dickson. Yeh drove.

You know, I have issues with beaches in Malaysia. You don't have enough parkings and so you had to park at either side of the road. But then the police will give you the tix. What the hell? Then there's the bad toilet system. How logical is it to have just ONE public toilet and then got us all crammed into small spaces inbetween cubicles. I was sweatin so bad, it felt like I'm in a cheap sauna.

A girl came in wearing a bikini and everybody was looking at her, and I don't mean 'everybody' as in 'Malays' and 'Muslims' because, well, of course that will be. The 'everybody' I mean meliputi segenap lapisan masyarakat especially them Indian mothers whose face gave only one meaning of, "Where the hell do you think you are?"  Haha. She looked terrified. I don't think she has ever been terrified wearing a bikini her whole life.

It's a public beach. She must be chinese foreigner, because she looked kinda lost... and scared to death. Kesian minah tu. Hahahaha.

Which reminds me, Nad calls "Beach sandals" as "Bitch sundal". Hahaha.
Mun says her sister said that her beach sandals are so "Beachy" (with pronunciation being 'bitchy')

Okay, Enough bitch joke for the day.

We were sitting, lounging, and eating cheese crackers when suddenly I looked at the sky and went,
"Bukan sepatutnya kita main wayang-wayang..."
"Heh?"
"I mean... main layang-layang ke?"
Mun stopped chewing and said.
"It's in my car."
..........................The yellow Getz is waaaaaaaaay back in Putrajaya.

So berjalanla aku dan Munira Azman ke stalls berhampiran to go buy a kite.
I wanted the one with a frog picture on it but the guy selling it says that it's sold out. I was like, how can the froggy sold out when I can't see even one damn kite in the air?
"But the froggy is pretty." kata aku
"You want pretty, or you want it flying?" kata Mun
Cue budak jual layang-layang gelak.

So instead, we bought a Spongebob kite and was able to attract two to three kids when they see it in the sky.

The wind was not being friendly. I have used all my Krusan-skill and they refuse to come. Whatsa Krusan-skill you ask? It's that call paddy planters do to get the wind to come so that the paddy will be... hmm... I can't remember the significance of the wind to a paddy field. But that's what they do. They use a whispery voice and called;
"Kruuuuuusaaaaaan..."
Usually it worked, but I guess winds at PD dunno any paddy field so they don't care. Like, "Krus-wha-?"

Since I can't swim or anything thanks to an active ovum... (euw, that sounds disgusting), I just satify myself by 'cecah-cecah air' only. Then we went to eat at this one restaurant and had a good dinner while watching "Baby Mama" on TV. On our way back, we got lost in Seremban 2 trying to find a Petronas station.    

On Sunday, I accompanied Mun pergi beli kerepek at Pasar Tani before she sent me home. I thought about going to MC09, but I think I was too tired I fell asleep during a pre-recorded "Prison Break" and fell asleep until 6pm. I must be so tired, even Michael Scofield can't keep me awake.

"But if it's him versus Michael Scofield, it would be Michael Scofield, right?"
"Errr..."
"SHAI!"

I think I have somehow broken the girl rule of "Michael Scofield beats everything."

This morning on the way of sending me to the office, suddenly dad went,
"Petang karang jom pegi tengok-tengok gerai tu."

He was referring to gerai-gerai jualan at Muktamar PAS yang ke-59 at Stadium Melawati, Shah Alam. Heck, this is like a giant bazaar of some sort. With over than 200 stalls altogether. Selling various stuff from food and drinks, stuff from Middle East, clothing, PAS merchandise ( I was laughing seeing that they sell rightful-Perak-MB Nizar's mask next to Upin & Ipin's mask. They look like relatives. So cute. Hahahah) to stuff you don't know why the heck you're supposed to buy, like solar-powered dancing flower thingy.

Dad ended up buying ubat mata dengan harga RM40 sebab alasan dia dekat mak ialah "Aku tak nak beli, tapi pompuan tu letak kat mata aku lepas tu die urut-urut mata aku, terus aku beli."
Which mak wrinkled her nose and answers, "Peh, gatalll."
Pfft. Even my dad is a weirdo.
Then we bought stuff like, figs (even though I HATE figs... atau dalam bahasa melayunya 'buah tin'), the pure original Saudi punya minyak habbatus sawda that is frikken hard to find in the market (dia jual doploh lima heng... biasenye harga market patploh heng), a book written about Tuan Sabariah Tuan Man who is the luckiest chick in the whole world, toffees, mango juice, and the weirdest thing sold there (though my most favourite food in the whole wide world) - IKAN TERUBUK MASIN DARI SARAWAK!

And this:


Cool eyh? It's Fear Factor and Back to the Future's car stickers that finally has a message which I think will have the Jewish Spielberg feel cheated. Hahaha. I used to have these kind of things in badges. Like:
1. NIKAH: Connecting people  (instead of NOKIA)
2. MUSLIMEEN UNITED (on Manchester United's logo)
I think they're cute. But Ajik lost them.  

Daymit punya stalls Muktamar PAS, habis duit aku. They're gonna open till this Sunday by the way.
And anyway, the thing about going to this thing is that you feel like you're in a bazaar in Iran, and amongst lot of people in ketayap and burkha, I think if Hugh Heffner comes here, he would have a nervous breakdown.  

Like, seriously.

Tadi, while I was talking on the phone while coming out from the office, one of the guys kat express delivery service sebelah ofis tu suddenly called me,
"Dik, dik, nak tanya kejap boleh tak..." like it was important.
So I ended my call earlier than should and turned to him and ask what.

"Nak tanyalah, nama siapa?"

............................................................... jantan zaman sekarang ni, kan... tak ada cara lebih kurang annoying ke nak ngorat orang tengah jalan. Nak aje aku seligi kepalanya. Kita duk beria matikan call sebab nak tolong die, rupenye soklan bodo die tanya. Dah, aku bagi pandangan dagger satu sambil menyimpan jari tengah dari terkeluar.

Mangkuk betul.

Kurang hajar betul screening Transformers dah full. Laju betul rakyat Mesia ni kalau bab Transformers. Kena remind the Sweezees again (gabung sekali Zee & Swee... haha)

Have you ever watch your favourite TV shows and ask yourself why the heck am I watching this?

Like House.
Most of the time, I don't even understand what the hell is going on. "Pulmonary Edema" and "Huntingtons" and "severe head trauma" bladiblablabla. And yet, I still watch it. I still watch it because House is a connundrum. House represents the things you wish you could say but you won't say. Because House is a crippled miserable guy and represents that miserable part of you.

Or maybe because Hugh Laurie has that Matthew Macfadyen - Paul Rudd-ish eyes.

BUT! I realised something else, while in a car with Ajik - who is still a rookie in driving. The reason I am scared to even want to get my driver's ed. Spatial incompetence is one thing. But remember last time I said that every time a newbie driver wants to test the road, they will find me to accompany them? Which means that I have been in minor accidents more than anybody else I know.

Like 'crashing the divider', crashing into another car's behind, sagat kereta orang lain, hentam kereta orang sebelah, spinning.

Those are one of the things a new driver would experience. At most two of those accidents. I, the non-driver has experience it all with all kinds of different people. And as I was warning my brother to slow down and nearly collided with a TNB van (nasib baik mamat TNB tu baik n amat sedar akan kewujudan P di kereta itu), I realise that it's not that I can't do this.

I don't want to.

I would be one of the rare fundamental malay women who do not want to drive. I will pay the toll. I will pay for your gas. But I ain't drivin your car.

I haven't sleep. I finished my novel at 1am, and keep on editing it until morning. Then I print it, and realise that the ink was getting low, so I asked Ajik to drop me at Alam Sentral so I could buy new ones. Return home and continue printing whilst checking my emails and facebooking. Printer had issues. Deal with issues. Then mintak Ajik hantar gi bind the thing and straight off to see my editor, only to be told that he wants 50 pages more.

I am now in a state where I can't sleep because I am thinking how the hell I can add up another 50pages to an already 460pages of fiction writing. Then my boss called and ask me to come to the office on Friday cuz a new CD just arrived.

And then there's the I-need-to-kick-myself feeling in my guts.
I am stressed to the core.
I want to sleep. Please let me sleep. I am claustrophobic.

Swee said that I am a "bad" influence for that RM40 issue, being all goody goody two shoes and whatnot. Haha. It's not that. What they don't understand is that if I kept it quiet, I will make trouble for Kak Ani. She would be doing the accounts. And Grace would be scratchin her head all day tryin to figure it out. I used to work in reception during MC08. I know how stressful it is to try to figure a problem in which you were not there when it occurs. And guess the two person who helped me solving issues with all those weirdly done jobs by the people on field?

And anyway, Grace is the only person in her dept who never makes me (or anybody else in other depts... hint*hint) feel like giving the finger. She's too nice I can't do that to her. Hahaha.

•  Aku dihalau oleh bos since they got no work for me. Kak M (memang nama sebenar) said that I have been dominating all the freelance work. MY May-allowance was as much as my former salary in CO (thank God... because my CO May-allowance is as much as my salary doing nothing). They used to have too much assignments that they exceed deadlines. Enter Syahida. Assignment-eater.  

Well, gal gots to lives, bay-bee.
But now work gettin slow. It will jeopardise my July. I am feelin the freelancin stress. I thought about selling my cakes and delicacies online to upgrade my stress capability, but they need extra work. Buying stuff. Baking stuff. Making kira-kira. It's a hassle. And I realise that I work so I can avoid the internet, instead of avoiding the internet so I can work.

• I was in a bakery buying two egg tarts and realise that a bakery is such a wonderful place. It's beautiful. It smells good. And while I was in there, I was imagining having a little fountain in the middle of the bakery, a bookworm section, lots of different tables and chairs, lots of old classic movie posters at one section, a TV that is showing old classics like Clark Gable and Audrey Hepburn's movies and what kind of decoration on the glass window. Then I realised that I was fantasising about opening a bakery.
  

That is so weird. A lazyass no-entrepreneurial skill person like me? But then again, after chatting with Nad, it makes sense. I mean, reallll sense. She was fed-up with the status of her they-want-me, they-want-me-not with the company she works for, and just want to move on. Bakery it is.

•  Sleep-over at Tim's. The only person missing was Nad. Spent the night watching "ONCE" and "COMING SOON" (finally! Sigh, that movie and I don't have jodoh). The subtitles is so bad, that instead of getting scared, we had a good laugh. They translated everything and ada campur2 BM and English, to a point of translating people's names too. The hero's name was translated as "Little" and the ghost's name was translated to "Mulberi Sokongan Sister-In-Law". I don't know how a Thai name can turn into such words. But after that we've been using it as a cussing word. Like, "Mun, kau ni mulberi sokongan sister in law betulla!" 
  

And then bincang hal-hal "arkeologi" (note the quote unquote), and I realise that for these past years, my sense of humour is getting more horrid.

•  Is it logical for someone to want me to admit something yang kalau nak diikutkan logik, dia sendiri pun tak nak admit? Dekat manakah rasionalnya perkara itu? Don't people realise that my motto in life is "You may have a question that I may choose not to answer"?
  

Then I realise that not answering things just complicate stuff. But then again, nobody really ask a question, so how can I answer? Tim's the only one who really asked, and she made me teared up in a Food Court while eating mee claypot. Daym, that claypot noodle hizzle my shizzle (terpengaruh dengan Swee's pretentious hiphop terminologies).

• Had to cancel Genting. I am so friggin brokenhearted. I realised that I had to go see my editor on that day. Dammit!

•  Siapakah ADUN yang nak melawan berdebat dengan Dr Abu Hassan Goggle itu? Abu Hassan Goggle is like, the best debator there is right now. He'll just make you look stupid. I mean, he's the 'master' who made Rosyam Nor sounded like a good speaker. And that ADUN already looked stupid in "HUJAH" last time. Unless you're right in all your facts, don't try to menegakkan benang yang basah with him. That's just embarrasing.
  

(*The GOGGLE in his name is just what I called him cuz he wears that funky spectacles. Clever. Now people remember him).  I realised I've been calling people like that. You know, like Ustazah Gelang Banyak (Ustazah Siti Nurbahyah), and Makcik Toreh Getah (that Sendayu Tinggi boss). I must stop calling people names....

•  My next door neighbour was singing badly and I can hear every single lyrics and croaks. I laughed. And then realised that if that's how bad it sounds, imagine.... I've been laughing hysterically, singing on top of my lungs stupidly, say stupid weird stuff and sometimes scream at my cats.
  

If I think he sings badly, he must be thinking he got lunatics for a neighbour.
Which reminds me... Masni, Jis, jom karok se-round sebelum Masni pindah Melaka?

•  Mum was asking why the hell I have not been going to press previews. I am too lazy to think of an answer so I told her that the company wants to reduce freelance jobs, suke2 hati je aku menyalahgunakan ayat Swee. Then, realisin that she looked at me with concern, I assured there's nothing to worry because if that happens, I will apply for permanency in NK. She urged me to do it right away.
  

And I realised even until now, mum still doesn't really like me doing freelance.

• Shai mencarik seorang pemuda yang berambut panjang warna merah, dengan contact lens kaler sebelah merah sebelah hitam dan gadis bertudung dengan ketinggian sederhana tapi muka sangat ber-attitude, tak perlu cantik sangat, lebih prefer sederhana, untuk dijadikan cover novel.

Yes, I realised I'm not being nice to pretty ladies. Hey, I gotta help my own kind. Pretty people got lots of jobs already. But then again, my editor won't be keen on this idea.   

• I was talking to Sani and realised.......................................... that's it. I'm doomed. (carik painkiller).

(Di rumah Tim menonton "ONCE" once again... huhu)

Wherrrrre do I start.

FRIDAY

Dalam bahasa melayunya ia dipanggil 'gerak gempur'. Bahasa WWII-nya dipanggil "Kriegblitz" (ke blietzkrieg? tak hengat haku, bukan bahasa melayu). Yakni, mengemaskan kabinet kek aku dari campurtangan pihak kedua (yakni MAK). I had a momentary loss of temper after seeing that there are lots of other stuff being shoved inside the oven, kept on top of the oven and have the oven shoved waaaaay behind some other stuff. I spent one hour of my time trying to relocate my oven and find all my baking utensils.

Four hours later, three trays of chocolate moist cake finally ready. Hair, body, shirt, everything smell like a pot of Vochelle.

SATURDAY

The morning and noon was spent doin nothing but watch the pre-recorded "HOUSE" and "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY". Then Tim arrived at 5.30pm with Tinah, and together with the choc moist cake, berangkatlah kami ke Putrajaya for Adam's event of Majlis Cukur Jambul (Muhammad Adam Bin Muhd Elyas ye, bukan Adam Sulaiman). I was lega that they like the cake (you know, it's women complex. If they don't like what you bake, you're doomed). Didn't stay long since Tim has to go to Kampung Medan. Solat jemaah dengan keluarga Nad & Yeh.

Makan dulu. Dengan Nad sekali sebab she soooo know she won't be gettin her makan-time when Adam awakes.

At 9pm, we went to rumah uncle Tim. Pastu balik. Huh, ade ke pergi rumah orang yang aku tak kenal... ape jela...

SUNDAY

Tim called at 10pm, asking if we could go to the Movie Carnival at 12pm instead of 1pm, since she has to go see Alang first. So we went earlier. Spent half an hour pusing-pusing carpark yang sengal itu. Met Pinat there as she is on duty, and jumpa Maria. Then temankan Tim pergi beli kamera.

Went to one of the shops yang ada sale digicams. I think we spent more time there than Movie Carnival because I think the sales guy has met his match in Tim. As you all know, there is no more dangerous salesperson than a chinese guy, than a chinese guy who can be loyar buruk in bad Kelantanese dialect. The thing is, he tried to sell a COOLPIX camera to Tim, and making all this sales crap about HDs and pixels and smile-detection technology while being all cheeky and charming.

What Ah-Ken didn't know is that, my dearest bestfriend-since-darjah-satu Fatimah Abdul Mutalib is one heck of a bargain er (is there such word?) and herself a pro at bullshitting. So in the end both of them BS-ing each other to the point where both of them had to admit defeat. So Tim got her wish to get the camera and all its necessary freebies at the price of 3 digits, while the guy got his wish to sell a camera.

Itu tak masuk lagi member die sorang lagi, who went,
"Hari ni kita tak meniaga macam biasa. Today kita ikut cara Islam."
"Heh, cara Islam?"
"Ya, kita jujur hari ni. Kita tak amik untung banyak. Ikhlas." ujar makhluk bermata sepet itu sambil menyentuh dadanya dengan gaya 'jujur'.
"Banyakla korang kan... korner sana korner sini..." kata Tim.
Both of them laugh.
"Bukan corner. Just pakai GTI, dia drift sikit..." jawabnya dengan tersengih.

And then tried to sell me a Nikon too.
"Kita ada promotion ni..." katanya.
Cue muka bosan Syahida sambil berkata,
"Ada promotion, takde duit buat apa? Pointless."

(cue Ah Ken ketawa bagai nak rak).

Dan tak pasal-pasal je we knew that he is from Melaka, work there for more than a year, while he ask Tim about teaching in Lahad Datu and was astonished that I am a novelist.
"Oh, tulis cerita cinta la? Cinta-cinta dengan tajuk macam "Cinta Berapi" macam tu?" mamat itu cuba berbaik dengan harapan ke-charming-annya mampu menjual sebuah lagi kamera.
"Apa yang kau merepek "Cinta Berapi"-nya? Takde de." jawab aku. Kalau dia buat-buat baik dan buat-buat lawak lagi pun aku still tak ada duit.
"Yela, Cinta di Lautan Berduri ke, takde?"
"Gila sakit 'Lautan Berduri'." jawab si Tim.
Si Ah Ken gelak lagi.

Aku rasa kalau kire berapa lama manusia dua orang tu duk bincang fasal jual kamera kat situ, dua cawan kopi dah aku boleh habiskan. Siap makan strawberry chocolate kat kedai tu macam hak mak bapak sendiri.

Pusing Movie Carnival, aku tertipu dengan membeli notepad dan alas laptop TRANSFORMERS sebab dia 3D... dan gambar 3d kepala Megatron seperti memanggil-manggil aku. Huh, mudah terpengaruh, habis duit aku. Then beli T-shirt Cinnamon dan MC09, which entitled me to 2 free passes and a shot at Spin-the-wheel to get a freebie. I was praying that I won't get a poster. Posters are meaningless to me. And instead, I got a cute 'WALL-E' watch (which I will give to Ejal if I see that lil ruggie). Kesian tengok Si Gan jadi tak tentu arah sebab ramai sangat orang.

.... after borak kejap dengan Vinsen who was observing from the 2nd floor, me and Tim headed back because Tim wanted to go to GIANT to buy some stuff. Vinsen suruh pusing lagi sekali, but it was 3pm, and perut aku dah lapar, tapi nak pekena claypot mee kat food court GIANT. Last2 dia halau je aku balik. Sabar jela aku dengan boss sorang ni.

Masa dah keluar parking, I realised something.
"Tim, tadi mamat tu bagi duit baki tak dekat aku?"
"Entah, tak nampak."
"Aku tak ingat pun dia ada bagi aku duit baki. But then again, aku ada bayar dekat dia tak?"
"Bayar kot, aku nampak ko keluarkan wallet."
"Aku ingat bab keluarkan wallet tu, tapi aku tak ingat bab bayar kat dia ataupun dapat duit baki."
Check wallet.
"Sah, aku lupa bayar. Abisla hari ni diorang shot RM40. Dia pun tak perasan, banyak sangat customer kat situ."
"Kau nak patah balik gi bayar ke."

Cue Shai menunjukkan muka yang malas.
"Eh, nanti aku selesaikan kat opis la, tanya Kak Ani camne. Malas nak pusing-pusing."   

Best aje aku amik dua helai t-shirt dengan free siap dapat freebies. Wahahahaha... nasib baik aku bersih, cekap dan amanah, unlike polis trafik Mesia. Ngaaahahahaha.

Pergi kedai used car jumpa Alang semula, change car to V6, cuz Alang wanted to use the other car. Pergi GIANT, makan. Then gi shop for some stuff.

Gila penat aku.

MONDAY

Temankan Tim pergi cari baju nak gi Genting (aduhaiiii lah.. haha), then Mun pun datang and gi lepak umah Tim.
Called Kak Ani.
"Kak Ani, meh saya teka, jualan baju CO short RM40?"
"Pandai. Mana tau?"
So I told her everything.
"Oh, kire dah selesaila masalah kat mana short RM40 tu. Bolehlah akak tido malam dengan lena malam ni. Grace pon dah naik pening kepala dah carik kat mana hilangnya."
"Haha. Hari tu nak call Vinsen dah, bagitau. Tapi takut kang sian plak budak Gan tu kena marah ke ape ke... so, camna nak bayar ni?"
"Nanti pergi MC lagi tak?"
"Tak kot."
"Lain kali awak gi pejabat ke, jumpa sesiapa dari opis ke, pass kan jela."
"ooo, kalau gitu, see you in July. Hahaha."
       

The Country is going nuts.

I was watching the TV when there's this campaign that goes,

"HARGAI HIDUP ANDA, JAUHI AH LONG"
Wow. I am so touched by that campaign, I realise now that I should not come near an ah long. That is one BS full of crap. Do you think people would care? What we need is a government that ain't full o shit, banks that don't have too much protocols, and people who would stop buying Da Ma Cai lotteries... not a campaign against Ah Longs. I mean, do you thik they love doing those useless job of throwing red paint and cutting people's hand?....... nah, cutting people's hand sounds fun... okay, so they love their job.
Jauhi Ah Long.... does this include Singapore's PM Lee Hsien Loong?

Which reminds me of many other stupid things on TV and newspaper like;

1. The new term for 'Mat Rempit'
As the police nowadays stated, 'Mat Rempit' is a name that now seems to be helmed by the... well... mat rempits so now they will officially use "Samseng Jalanan".
...........................................
How shall I start?
How about;
a) Cool, instead of thinking of new ways to prevent the culture from spreading, the authorities seem to spend most of their time thinking of new names to call them. That explains why no petty thieves are caught yet. They must have a conference in the police force, you know. Like, "Let's forget about catching them for a sec and think of What should we call Mat Rempits now? I know, Samseng Jalanan! Anybody agree, say 'Aye'!" I reckon the next conference is about calling bohsia 'pelacur gelandangan', penjenayah kolar putih as 'Very Important Perompak', and peragut as 'penjenayah bergerak'.
b) You think the word 'Samseng Jalanan' makes Rempits everywhere bertaubat? You think they would go, "Oh, kecilnya hati, aku digelar samseng jalanan. Malunya saya. Saya berjanji akan bertaubat selepas ini.".......... don't you know the nature of human being in the 21st century? They like to be bad. Calling them 'Samseng' would make them even prouder because you're stamping them with a notion that they're like the Road Yakuzas. And yeah, everybody wants to be a mafia nowadays.

2. "Kurang menarik? Terlalu kecil? Kendur? Payuda Atika Beauty mampu mengembalikan keanjalan dan bentuk lebih menawan"
I was laughing my ass off after watching this TV ad about krim payudara. I mean, how sad is that? You know who would buy that? Keira Knightley.

3. "Pakatan Rakyat masih cuba ingin membohongi rakyat."
Pfft, yeah, says the old farts who are bullshitting themselves thinking we care. I mean, even I do not know who is the new Cabinet Ministers of today. I have cease to care, to the extent that last week I was asking mum, "Who is the Deputy PM again?"

4. Isu Chin Peng
Let me tell you, two weeks before, most ignorant youth of Malaysia don't even know who Chin Peng is and don't care about communism and whatnot. Now you keep mentioning how "evil" the guy is, it just trigger a new curiosity from these kids. Remember Neo-Nazis? Let him come home, he's near Tunku Abdul Rahman's age, too old to even remember how to spell P.K.M.
He's not Hitler, nor is he Slobodan Milosevic. And stop calling Samsiah Fakeh a communist.
"Chin Peng Jahat" konon. Yang korang duk tangkap orang tanpa sebab, install MB baru sesuke hati tu tak ke macam komunis?
 
***

Adalah orang di kampung itu... suka pandang rendah keluarga aku. Bila kitorang graduate, dia pandang enteng. "Anak orang *TOOT* pun boleh lulus study?" dia bertanya dengan nada mengejek.
Anak 'orang *toot*' tu pun terus jadi peguam, dan terserempak dia di mahkamah, anaknya kena bicara atas kes ragut. Tak lama lepas tu pulak, bini anaknya lahirkan anak, entah bile diorang kahwin.
Kami bukan orang jahat, tapi aku still nak gelak.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... kutuk kitorang lagi... parti politik tu tak bawak ke mana pun, kutuklah lagi, kutuklah, kutuklah..."

Allah itu Maha Kaya.