To those who thinks they think, there are two types of thinking. You may be the positive thinker, seeing the world in a glass half full, and the negative thinker, who sees the glass half empty.
Thus people like me are seen as negative thinkers, victimised by our own lack of self-esteem, cringed at the thought of success because confidence might jinx it. We are looked at by the optimistic as the bane of society - the type of people who can't even go out without thinking she might get hit by a car. Poor poor Syahida, miserable old soul...
But the truth is, there is another layer to that. You can be optimistic, and at the same time destroy your own self.
I am a negative thinker, yes. But I have hope. I think human are reckless selfish being, but I also know that each and every person is born with a clean slate, as the Quran puts it. No child is burdened with the sins of his or her forefathers nor born with one. It's how they turned up in nature and in nurture that changes things.
Thus, I have hope in human kind. I have hope that people will change, that there's conscience in each and every living breathing person, no matter how many times they say they won't (but those who succeeded in not changing will get a congratulation from me, though it doesn't benefit their own self and the act of trying to show me that, has no point at all. What a waste). A serial rapist called John Krebs has written in his letter before his death sentence that he know how evil he is evil but the question is what makes him that? It's not the fact that he doesn't know the answer, but to question such thing means you have a conscience, an innocence inside you. That little dot from that clean slate.
Therefore, no matter how bad things are, how negative I think about the world today - how corrupt men can be, how stupid women can act, how ridiculous the whole world is, I still have hope. I still have hope that people can change, that life can suddenly turn around, that miracles can happen.
Now, optimism is not always a good thing. Optimistic people with no hope will only shower themselves with the happiness of the now, empty laughter that echoes throughout the bloody space inside a place - the place where the clean slate exist but are too far from reaching. Optimism can just be a fortress to cover a suffocating subconscious that has nothing but suicidal thoughts. Optimism is a laughter that hides the loneliness that no medication can cure, calling us negative-people as the poor restless souls. Pitying us. Mocking us.
Pity those who have no hope, no dreams, and are amused by fake reality... hoping that their conscience will answer to God and that the universe will understand.
Life is a reality television, baby. Even if I don't win here, there's a chance that I will excel outside this gigantuous television, where my existence are real.
Dunia ini hanya tempat persinggahan saya, orang-orang negatif seperti saya, mereka yang lebih banyak menangis dari ketawa, mereka yang lebih banyak sengsara dari bahagia.
Kamu? Apa yang kamu ada?
Tee heee... I'm sorry. Newfound freedom and happiness always makes me a bit cruel.
(baru baca Masni's new entry. I love it!)
